PARALYSIS IN PERPETUUM
A codependency in fifteen minutes or less
By William Reymann
CHARACTERS
DEVIN- A self-centered, histrionic homosexual. Not old, but not what young people would call young anymore. A good swimmer, choosing to drown.
MAGGIE- A people-pleasing, purpose-seeking, somewhat-lonely Jewish woman of the same age. Secretly terrified that life might be meaningless and clinging to the edge of the pool.
One cannot survive without the other, yet they cannot exist together without each destroying both.
NOTE: The audio monologue in the beginning should be pre-recorded and can come from anyone, as long as it doesn’t sound like Devin or Maggie.
SETTING
Devin’s inherited, rent-controlled apartment in the East Village. The place is a SHITHOLE of Devin’s own making. The actual apartment underneath the pizza boxes, papers, tissues, dirty clothes, etc. is probably rather nice. Do with this what you will. It need not be detailed, realistic, expensive, or even expensive-looking!
(Darkness. Throughout the following PSA, a smoke alarm starts going off, a neighbor’s baby starts wailing, a phone starts ringing, a distant siren is heard, a church choir starts singing, and some dirty blues starts playing.)
AUDIO
Unlike in Hollywood, the person suffering from Instinctive Drowning Response will likely -not- be able to call for help. We commonly see the mouth either at the water line or below it and the arms outstretched horizontally, parallel to the water, preventing the individual from wiping hair and water from the face and eyes, which is an immediate indicator of IDR. The arms will be essentially locked in this position for the entire 30-40 second time frame before drowning.
DEVIN
Cigarettes are the best way to go. Both of us destroying the other- that’s dignity. The fag by fire and the faggot by smoke. Or it’s companionship, at least. Mutually assured destruction with a cellulose acetate filter.
AUDIO (we should hear this part)
The person drowning will not be in control of their own body and will instinctually push a rescuer underwater for their own access to air.
(Lights up. The sounds cut out. DEVIN is lounging and smoking a cigarette while he laments. MAGGIE is actively cleaning his apartment, diligently fixing and organizing.)
DEVIN
Mutual destruction Maggie! Are you even listening? Would you just stop that?? Okay? Please?? You’re wasting your time, I’m just gonna stick my head in the oven anyway.
(MAGGIE takes his cigarette and places it in an ashtray. She replaces it with a thingy of milk and puts the straw in DEVIN’s mouth. The second she steps away, he swaps them back.)
DEVIN
I’m not joking.
MAGGIE
I’m not laughing. We all wish we could live our lives moping, Devin, we do, but at a certain point, we have to pack it up and move on.
DEVIN (actual air quotes strictly prohibited)
“Move on.” You clearly understand very little about heartbreak.
MAGGIE
Devin, he- whatever.
DEVIN
No Maggie, go. Speak on your convictions.
MAGGIE
It’s nothing.
DEVIN
Violet Gibson was born in 1876 in Ireland, and everyone thought she was one sandwich short of a picnic her entire life. Barking mad, Maggie, mad. In Rome in 1926, she shot Mussolini at point blank range. And missed. Then, Mussolini- Benito Mussolini- for the one fiber of mercilini in his heart, instead of executing her then and there, sends her to be imprisoned for life in England. And the story takes off, Mussolini soars in popularity, allies with Hitler and kills 7,500 Italian jews before being killed in 1945 any way. And now nobody even knows who Violet Gibson is and it’s fucked up and as a wise Lin Manuel Miranda tote bag once said, don’t throw away your shot, Mags.
(Just to be sure, he knocks over some papers or clothes, generally wrecks a pile she just built up.)
MAGGIE
Jesus christ, Dev!
DEVIN
No, just us girls.
MAGGIE
For fuck’s sake, your sugar daddy dropped you! You didn’t get your heart broken, you got cock-blocked by a man old enough to be your father!
DEVIN
Ohhhhh! Oh. Okay, the truth at last! I’m so glad it’s that- it’s so simple! I’m so glad my life is so simple. I’m so glad my pain is this easy for you to categorize and clean up, but picture this, Maggie. Virgin. Virgin Maggie- picture this. My heart- yes, my lizard heart- snapped in two when Marcus stopped calling! You might be floored to hear it, but I feel love Maggie! I have warm and moving blood in my veins! And you think I’m just some whore- some dandy fag who hangs himself up on every man in alphabet city! It’s not my fault you were raised Hasidic, Maggie! It’s not my fault there’s no version of me that fits into a version of propriety you can get behind! If unconventional love is something you don’t understand, take it to your therapist, don’t shit it out on me! There is a wilderness of love and devastation beyond the confines of anything your squirrel brain can imagine! And you hate the idea that the turning world might leave you in the dust! But you know what, it should and it will!
MAGGIE
Oh fuck you! You know what, go ahead and throw your life away! You are a fucking sinkhole Devin, you are a selfish, miserable sinkhole of a friend and I fucking hate knowing you! I dropped everything when Kyle blocked you last year! My grandfather was in hospice and you never even said thank you- ever! People like you are honestly better off dead! You don’t even know five things about me that don’t directly pertain to you! Your- Ego! Is astronomical! I bend over backwards! I put in the work! Check your fucking privilege you hedonistic shitheel! There is a frontier of reality outside of your own self-inflated gravity! You just hate the idea that the whirling globe doesn’t spin on the tip of your dick! But you know what, it’s not my fucking problem!
(They end up face to face. DEVIN tries to kiss MAGGIE.)
MAGGIE
Uh! Devin? What the fuck?
DEVIN
Uh yeah what the fuck, you just tried to kiss me!
MAGGIE
What? What?? No, YOU tried to kiss ME!
DEVIN
You’re saying: I? Tried to kiss: you? Hm. No, that just doesn't make sense. Look Maggie, this whole weird shouting thing? It really isn’t healthy. You have a family history of high blood pressure and I can’t be any more stressed right now or I’m gonna start breaking out— two very serious reasons we have got to stop screaming at each other.
MAGGIE
And what? Start groping each other instead?? Do you even hear yourself right now?? I mean, holy shit Devin! Holy shit. Healthy? Look around you!!! This! Is not healthy! Any of this! I mean! God! Is this seriously how you want to live? You wake up, you cry, you smoke cigarettes, you eat days -ld pizza off the goddamn carpet like an animal, you cry again, and then you go back to sleep. It’s pa-the-tic!!
(DEVIN starts to cry like a baby.)
DEVIN
I-I-I- I’m sorry Maggie, I- please please please don’t go! I-I kiss people- I kiss people when they get mad at me! I’m sorry, but I-I can’t help it! I can’t help it- I mean- Marcus- my boss- my dad- the cat- I just- I just- You’re right, I’m a mess, I’m… a worthless shit!
(He cries. MAGGIE hugs him.)
MAGGIE
Woah, hey. Hey. You’re not worthless. You’re not shit. You are so so strong. And so so special. Devin? You are. I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t mean it.
DEVIN
You’re not mad?
MAGGIE
I’m not.
DEVIN
You’re gonna stay?
MAGGIE
…Yes. I’ll stay.
(A knock on the door.)
MAGGIE
Who is that?
DEVIN
I don’t know.
MAGGIE
Is that Marcus?
DEVIN
I said I don’t know.
MAGGIE
Maybe he'll just lea-
(More knocking. DEVIN reaches for the knob.)
MAGGIE
Well, hold on. That could be anyone, right? You’re not just gonna invite them in?
DEVIN
He’s knocking on the door Mags, he’s clearly looking for at least one of us.
MAGGIE
Looking to murder us maybe. Devin, we’re attractive people, we’re ripe for that sort of thing- ripe. And you, you’re in a vulnerable place right now.
DEVIN
Ugh, right? You do not know how validating it is to hear that. Maggie, you just- get me! It’s like why were we even fighting?
MAGGIE
… …Yeah! It is… like that!
(More knocking.)
MAGGIE
Jesus christ, who does this guy think he is?
DEVIN
Right? It’s like you knocked twice already, we’re clearly busy or not here. We’re not here!!
(More. It continues intermittently for the rest of the scene.)
DEVIN
Fucking asshole.
MAGGIE
Asshole, oh my god.
(MAGGIE resumes cleaning up the place. DEVIN watches her do so for a beat.)
DEVIN
Uhhh, Maggie? Maggiebabes, what are you doing? …Maggie?
MAGGIE
Yeah? Oh. I’m just cleaning up a little. Before dinner?
DEVIN (passive aggressive)
Huh. Maggie? Remember when I asked you to come here and stay here and clean and cook and do everything for me? Oh yeah, no, neither do I because, hahahahaaaaa I never did- In fact, I have begged you! To stop. Maggie? STOP. If you try to make me dinner if- if- if you pick up one more sock, I- I swear…!! Maggie, for the love of god put that shit down!
(MAGGIE resumes calmly cleaning, she speaks calmly and evenly too, until she doesn’t.)
MAGGIE
You wanna know something Dev? If I walked out that door right now, you would be dead. There’s obviously a crazed murderer on the other side- we’ve established that- but murderer or not, I’d give you… ten minutes max without me chewing your food and wiping your ass, that’s how utterly useless you are. I’ve seen you break down and cry over a spider in the bathroom, Dev. Now, who took the driver’s seat when we got pulled over in Vancouver? Who ended up getting stitches after that guy tried to mug you in Washington Square? Who scattered your mother’s ashes, Dev?? It wasn’t you!!
DEVIN
And do you know what the miraculous thing is? Not once, not once! Did I ask for it! For any of it, Maggie!
MAGGIE
Well, fuck me sideways, it’s almost as if I’m a good friend!!
DEVIN
No, no, no, no, no. Good friends call. Good friends text: I’m sorry Devin, whatever you need Devin, I’m here for you blah blah, all that sentimental shit. Good friends! Do not show up within the hour and start doing housework- that’s what you did! I told you Marcus went nuclear and you started doing housework! Like a- like a- like a psychotic Phyllis Schlafly! Do you even have a job any more?? Do have any single other friend?? You have been here for forty days and forty nights, Maggie- I hate it! Leave! Leave and go home! Go down to Kokomo- I don’t care! I don’t care if I die, I don’t care if we both die! It’s better than being slowly suffocated by you!
(Knock knock knock.)
MAGGIE & DEVIN
FUCK OFF WE’RE NOT HOME!!!
MAGGIE
Suffocation?? Do you want to know suffocation? Fine. I’ll give you suffocation! I’ll give you twenty-five fucking years of being muted, abused, and ignored- let’s see!!
(She starts throwing more and more shit at DEVIN. The occasional “ow!”, “Hey!”, “Stop!” from DEVIN.)
MAGGIE
Thank you Maggie! Thank you for cleaning the dishes! Thank you for handling the garbage! Thank you for the vacuuming! Thank you for the casserole! Thank you for the rent! And the groceries! Thank you for your time and your energy and your blood and your sweat and your tears! Maggie! Your tears! You’re a good person Maggie! A good friend! And one good goddamn jew! I’m a pathetic worm and I love you Maggie! And I am sorry Maggie! I’m sorry I missed your bat mitzvah! I’m sorry for all the bullshit excuses! And I’m sorry for the fucking mind games and the emotional gunpoint! And I’m sorry your gorgon parents put you through hell for twenty years! I’m sorry I only think about myself! I’m sorry I never call first! I’m sorry I rarely answer the phone! I’m sorry I have drained you and depleted you! I’m sorry I had to date you in high school to learn women’s bodies repulse me! I’m sorry Kayla got the promotion and I’m sorry I abandoned you when Whiskers died! I’m sorry for never listening Maggie! I’m sorry for -always- interrupting! I’m sorry that I never flush the fucking toilet! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! SORRY I tried to KISS you to get out of an argument just now!! Do you have A N Y idea how predatory- how dismissive! How reductive!! That was??
DEVIN
I kiss people when they get mad at me!! You know that!
MAGGIE
Enough! That is enough! I am tired of…! God fucking- I don’t even know what this is any more, I am just tired! I love you Devin, I do, but it is the most excruciating and exhausting job on earth! And… I do not know how to do it anymore! (Beat.) I’m sorry I can’t be more like… like Violet Gibson, but I’m just… I’m not. You know? I’m not someone who pulls the trigger. I’m not someone who goes down with the ship. I guess I’m… a coward! Maybe. but. I don’t know! I just. I don’t want to drown. I’m not oxygen, Devin.
(MAGGIE goes to the door. She reaches for the knob but then:)
DEVIN
Maggie, come on. Look, just- come on! Look don't- don’t open the door. Nobody has to do anything crazy now, nobody has to go opening doors. We’re golden in here. Like Schrodinger’s cat, Mags! We’re like Schrodinger’s cat! I’ll clean up, come on.
(DEVIN starts to clean up. As he continues speaking, MAGGIE opens the door unnoticed. There is no murderer outside, only a delivery of milk. Maggie places it inside, exits.)
DEVIN
Ok, ummmm socks? Can go over here. The clean ones I’ll take in my room... There we go. Bottles and cans… I’ll put in a bag to go down for recycling… mmmmm here, we’ve got trash bags… I’ll recycle all this paper. Well, I’ll sort the bills into their own… pile first, that’ll be… it’s own thing- Pizza boxes… with grease go into the trash, painting stuff I’ll put back under my bed?... Pants right here. Um… Underwear in this pile- not bad! See? Shirts, uh, towels… oh and don’t even worry about the stains, I’m gonna steam and vacuum before going to bed. I’ll do the dishes too. And don’t even worry about dinner. How’s that for useless, Mags! Maggie?
(DEVIN realizes he’s all alone. He sees the milk. He sees the mess. He sees his own solitude. He takes it in. We sit here for some time. He puts out what’s left of the cigarette. Life goes on.
END OF PLAY.)